joke

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

chickadiesel wrote:A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

:!: :!: :!:

heres one for you


SNIFFER DOG

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'.
'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'. Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again. Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to chit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

Thumbs up Thumbs up Thumbs up

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'.



The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'





The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a gr-udge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

Thumbs up

my wife has not spoken to me for 3 days, all i did was forget to open the car, ive appologised repeatedly and told her the truth "i just panicked open my door and swam to the surface"

my wife ran naked across the garden in the snow just as my son,s mates entered through the gate, one said "whats she wearing" the other one said "dunno but it wanted ironing"

:Very Funny: :Very Funny: :Very Funny:

a scouser sat in a bar having a pint, a quite openly gay man sits next to him, flashing admiring glances in the scousers direction and after a while leans over and whispers in to his ear "would you like to get a blow job" the scouser hits him with a chair and the batters the hell out of him the barman says " that was a bit extreme" the scouser replies "i know the barsteward offered to get me a job"

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .

That's a cracker :Very Funny:

:Very Funny: :Very Funny: :Very Funny: :Very Funny:

light harted fun

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Alonso's bird in the shower.

:Very Funny: :Very Funny: :Biker dude:

Aye nice one, keep them comin :Very Funny:

just for fun,
JOB HUNTING THE TRUTH HURTS]

maybe we should be looking at the label of the things we use.






"Rome conquered the known world not by having meetings, but by killing all who opposed them

Alan Freelan started the day early looking for employment having set his alarm

clock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am.


While his

coffeepot

(MADE IN CHINA )




was perking, he shaved with his



electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG ).



He put on a




dress shirt

(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),





designer jeans

(MADE IN SINGAPORE )



and



tennis shoes

(MADE IN KOREA )



After cooking his breakfast in his new



electric skillet

(MADE IN INDIA )




he sat down with his



calculator

(MADE IN MEXICO )



to see how much he could spend today. After setting his



watch

(MADE IN TAIWAN )



to the

radio

(MADE IN INDIA )



he got in his

car

(MADE IN GERMANY )



filled it with

GAS

(from Saudi Arabia)



and continued his job search.




At the end



of yet another discouraging



and fruitless day



checking his



Computer

(Made In Malaysia ),



Alan decided to relax for a while.



He put on his

sandals

(MADE IN BRAZIL )



poured himself a glass of



wine

(MADE IN FRANCE )




and turned on his



TV

(MADE IN INDONESIA ),




and then wondered



why he can't find



a good paying job



in AMERICA !!

School 1977 v School 2009


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called; Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding
because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2009 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.




Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1977 - Ants die.

2009 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

yep life in good olb britain today heres true one son falls on stairs bruses knee goes school teacher in gym says whats that on leg said done at home????????remmber this bit ???now nothing done untill month later letter drops through fathers door clearing him of abuse on son ?? dad phones asks what the f going on school informed socail services of abuse at home dad phones school plays hell told we donot have to tell you anything social services say investergation complete clearing me of any wrong doing in 4page life history on myself without my knowledge britain today crap

move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

maid08 wrote:move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

Hey, keep oor Nessie oot o' it. S'no her fault yer MENTAL! :nurse:

Freebird wrote:

maid08 wrote:move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

Hey, keep oor Nessie oot o' it. S'no her fault yer MENTAL! :nurse:

Just jealousy coming to the fore Freebird, they cannae keep a Nessie they have too many leeks in Wales :Very Funny:

DOVEScot wrote:

Freebird wrote:

maid08 wrote:move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

Hey, keep oor Nessie oot o' it. S'no her fault yer MENTAL! :nurse:

Just jealousy coming to the fore Freebird, they cannae keep a Nessie they have too many leeks in Wales :Very Funny:

:Very Funny: That dislexia comes in handy sometimes, eh! Thumbs up Nice one Dunc.

Freebird wrote:

DOVEScot wrote:

Freebird wrote:

maid08 wrote:move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

Hey, keep oor Nessie oot o' it. S'no her fault yer MENTAL! :nurse:

Just jealousy coming to the fore Freebird, they cannae keep a Nessie they have too many leeks in Wales :Very Funny:

:Very Funny: That dislexia comes in handy sometimes, eh! Thumbs up Nice one Dunc.

So does my dyslexia :Very Funny:

DOVEScot wrote:

Freebird wrote:

DOVEScot wrote:

Freebird wrote:

maid08 wrote:move to scotland watch lochness monster get locked up for insanity

Hey, keep oor Nessie oot o' it. S'no her fault yer MENTAL! :nurse:

Just jealousy coming to the fore Freebird, they cannae keep a Nessie they have too many leeks in Wales :Very Funny:

:Very Funny: That dislexia comes in handy sometimes, eh! Thumbs up Nice one Dunc.

So does my dyslexia :Very Funny:

:sulk: Thumbs up

:ouch!!!!:

maid08 wrote: :ouch!!!!:

The Welshness Monster

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.




George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.



George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.



He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!



George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

Roller coaster


What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

:shut up: :What!: :doctor: :pigeon walk:

Time Sheets
An accountant dies and goes to heaven.

He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

Thumbs up

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.